You're here, In my heart
You're the light, that guides me through the dark
You walk beside me, when night seems cold
Each time I fall, your arms are there to hold

You walk beside me
Giving strength I've never known

And I am not alone
You walk beside me
I am not alone

You're here, in my mind
I talk to you, and all my fears unwind
I know I'm loved, for who I am
You make me want to be
the best that I can

You walk beside me
Giving strength I've never known

And I am not alone
You walk beside me
I am not alone
Wherever the road leads

And I rely on your patience
When I face the unknown
And because of you

I am not alone
You're always right beside me
I am not alone

In the sun, in the rain
Through the good times
And in all of the pain
You are always right beside me

I reach out for your hand
I know that you understand

I am not alone
I know, You're right here.

('I Am Not Alone' - Natalie Grant)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
Isaiah 26:3

Yesterday I was skimming over my old handwritten journals. It's kind of embarrassing how dramatic I get sometimes, geeze. But wow. I've gone through about three journals with shaky faith. I look back and wonder, how could I? I'm so self-absorbed and whiny. I actually annoy myself sometimes. What happened to the faith I had when I first started writing on paper? Minus all the ridiculous theatrics. I was just trying to be like Anne of Green Gables and Audrey Hepburn.

But for about 3 years I've been soul searching in all the places in the world, but not in the one place I know I will truly discover my purpose; In Christ. I've been so stupid. So selfish, so stubborn, so ridiculous, so blind, and again...so stupid.

But something's changed. I surrendered. Completely again. Forget myself, forget people, forget this world. I want my God and only my God. My life has been so empty and aimless for far too long.

It's different now. God is opening doors for me, I almost hear His voice again. He's loved me so much more than I could ever deserve. I deserve for Him to turn away from me forever, but He's here. He's been here. He's the friend, the parent, the lover, the confidant I've been searching for to trust with my joys and sorrows. He knows my heart. He knows me, even when I don't know myself.

And I'm sorry. I'm so desperately sorry for all my mistakes, for failing Him so miserably. It's not His fault. He hasn't moved. It's all my doing. All my self-infliction.

But change is finally here.

You don't alter Vera Wang to fit you, you alter yourself to fit Vera Wang!

Hahaha, so I love taking those online qiuzzes to fill time and procrastinate. Vera Wang has this fragrance line called "Princess" and there was this quiz to "Find Out What Kind of Princess you Are!" How could I pass something like this up?? Check out the results I got:

You're a...BOHEMIAN PRINCESS. After the party, Bohemian Princess stopped by the coffee house where she worked to perform a spoken word reading. She read a couple of her poems and unbeknownst to her a publisher was there listening. He was so impressed he gave her a book deal on the spot and sent her off to Paris to write poems and be inspired. While there she met and fell instantly in love with a famous French poet. She continued to write, donating much of her money to charity. Because of her talent and philanthropy Hollywood did a movie version of her life and she lived happily ever after in Paris on the left bank, knowing how to live right.

I, Bohemian Princess, promise to always express myself in an original way, to remember to eat organic, be sure to go to graduate school and/or live abroad, never forget to support my friends in their jewelry, pottery and/or writing endeavors, and to always wear Vera Wang Princess.

I especially like the parts about the coffee shop where I work and always eating organic. I found that hilariously ironic!

There Is Freedom

Then the time came when the risk it took
To remain tight in a bud was more painful
Than the risk it took to blossom.
-Anais Nin

This was perfectly timed. Imagine that, God knows what He's doing. As much as I wish to be completely invisible most days, I sense God slowly nudging me in another direction.

Be strong and courageous.

But God, I just want to live my life without people acknowledging my existence so much. If I'm invisible, my self-esteem doesn't get knocked down a couple notches every time I leave my home. You see what I'm saying?

But I have something more.

But I'm not capable. I'm a magnet for disaster. I never do things right or say the right things..I can't even come into contact with a single flight of stairs without falling down them or have a coherent conversation with a stranger without babbling or embarrassing myself in some way.

I am the vine and you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.

...Okay you have a point. Sigh. Alright. Jesus, take the wheel.

---------------------

And that is the gist of my convos with God as of late. Finally, I'm letting Him win. Not that I was winning before. I was just trying to win and failing miserably, causing this game to last longer than necessary.

...Okay...

• Last weekend had my sister's wedding back in Michigan. Caught the bouquet..okay, well...slid into it, and received $500 for my wedding that does not exist! I can let it sit in my savings account and build interest for a while :)
  
• This week is the last week of classes. This weekend I'm throwing Tristen's Bachelorette/Lingerie Party, it'll be great fun.
  
• Next week is finals. I'm also moving into my apartment next weekend!
• I start Summer Classes May 5th. I'm so excited to have an excuse to go out and shoot photos! I want to begin working on a portfolio this summer. Yep, we'll be opening for business in no time.
  
• Tristen and Brandon's wedding is in 2 weeks!!
• Relay For Life is in 3 weeks!
  
• I have carpal tunnel and some other issue. :(
  
• Here's the kicker, my mom's getting married. In June. She just informed us today. Hmm...
  

Hence my lack of keeping up with anything these days.

Season

Sometimes we must be crumbled so that wildflowers may come up where we are.